


Kiss the Pain Away

by peacemonger98



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Invasions of Privacy, M/M, guess who's back to hurt MORE pairings, it's meeeee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 09:32:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6950788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peacemonger98/pseuds/peacemonger98
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He felt so fragile. It was infuriating. When Hinata came over, they no longer did homework together. Kageyama couldn't focus and he didn't have the motivation to write for more than a few minutes at a time, anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kiss the Pain Away

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! For anyone who follows WATW, this is me trying to make up for and simultaneously explain why I haven't posted the new chap. It should be up soon.  
> If I refer to a black dog or rain cloud, it means depression.  
> Also, be gentle with me. It's midnight on a Monday and this is minimally edited.  
> One more thing- this follows on the back of my last depression kagehina fic (They Sat. They Watched.) so you might be confused with a few of the references

Even though Kageyama had his own personal sunshine, his depression was no less potent. Sure, the sharp edges of despair were made softer by Hinata's presence, but that didn't mean the edges didn't exist.

He didn't really feel the haze in his mind anymore. He usually felt in control of his body.

But, a new kind of cloud was settling over him, and he wasn't sure if it was better or worse than the last.

Instead of feeling like he was only occupying his mind and letting his body be controlled by an unseeable force, he now felt like he was dragging his body around. Instead of weightlessness and helplessness, he now felt twice as heavy as before, as if he were fighting for each step he took.

The clouds fogging his thoughts cleared, but they left fewer thoughts. _I'm tired. Why can't I sleep? I'm hungry. I don't want to eat._ Every statement contradicted itself, but clogged up enough of his mind to block out any other productive thoughts.

Nothing made sense anymore. He was exhausted all the time. But, no matter how many hours of sleep he got, he'd wake up feeling more exhausted.

His sleep was lighter, too. He used to crash after he got home from volleyball practice and nothing could wake him up. His father always said that he could sleep through World War II. What his parents didn't know was that now every footfall outside his door, every chirp of the birds or rustle of the leaves on the trees outside his window was enough to rouse him from his slumber.

He felt so fragile. It was infuriating. When Hinata came over, they no longer did homework together. Kageyama couldn't focus and he didn't have the motivation to write for more than a few minutes at a time, anyway.

Hinata knew what was going on. The perpetual rain cloud ran in his family. He was lucky enough to be spared of its effects, but that meant he got to see what it did to his loved ones. He'd spent more nights than he could count staying up late, talking with his mother. Even though Natsu was still young, he could see the early signs of it in her. She was still too little to understand, so she cried until she fell asleep in her big brother's arms.

Hinata had too much experience with this illness. Sometimes he wished he didn't have such an extensive skill set to deal with this, but when he saw the fire in his boyfriend's eyes flicker and sputter into near darkness, he was glad he had the tools to help him.

Kageyama was grateful. He was more grateful than he could show. He tried to show his sunshine his gratitude by planting surprise kisses on his hands and neck while he was trying to study, and slipping little notes into his locker before he got there in the morning.

He even went so far as to hide his feelings from Hinata. More than a few nights went by when they'd text each other good night messages and Kageyama wouldn't be able to sleep. He'd be up for hours staring at his ceiling or out a window or listening to music. Hinata always told him to text him if that ever happened and they'd stay up together. But Kageyama wanted to spare him.

He wanted to spare the one bit of light in his life from seeing his worst. He, again, ignored the looks Hinata sent his way the days after a late night. He knew the bags under his eyes were obvious. But, he didn't have the heart nor the courage to say anything.

After a handful of lonely late nights, Kageyama decided to start journaling. Hinata had suggested he try it out, that nothing could hurt at this point.

Every thought he had, he wrote down. Most of his journal was filled with guilt. The guilt he felt for keeping Hinata up late on his unbearable nights, for making him stay through all the tears, for making him sit out on a freezing cold seawall for hours until the feeling returned to Kageyama.

Surprisingly enough, the journal actually helped. He didn't tell Hinata about it, though. Despite his love for his boyfriend, he still didn't like to lose. Admitting he had done something Hinata told him to do and that thing actually worked would be too big a blow to his ego.

Kageyama soon discovered that depression was a fickle thing. It would show up some nights rearing its ugly head and causing all sorts of screwed up thoughts to appear in his head. Other nights, it would attack wordlessly, just leaving empty space in Kageyama's head. Some nights, the lack of his old pal depression would cause Kageyama to lose sleep.

The truly fickle part about it all was the severity. During most episodes, he'd lose motivation generally for a week to a month, nothing unbearable. Kind of like a single hot pepper being spread throughout an entire dish, so no single bite was too hot to handle.

The tougher bouts were few and far between. They were like eating the spicy pepper whole, and no amount of cooling fluids could stop the fire in the consumer's mouth. Kageyama would lay in his bed. He didn't know if he was thinking or not, but he knew that moving was too difficult. Getting up and dragging his useless lump of flesh around a school and a volleyball court was a task that seemed too daunting for even Hercules himself.

Kageyama didn't call anyone. Too much effort. He didn't talk to Hinata. Too much sadness. He was tired and exhausted and fell in and out of sleep regardless of the location of the sun in the sky. He told his parents his stomach was killing him and he needed a day or two of rest. He'd become better faking illness over the years.

No amount of being antisocial and gloomy could keep away his sunshine, though. After practice, Hinata came and visited Kageyama. He rolled over the desk chair, spun it around do the back was facing Kageyama and sat down in it. He held his boyfriend's hand and asked him questions in quieter tones than Kageyama thought him capable.

Soon enough Hinata was kneeling next to the bed holding both of Kageyama's hands in his and singing a slightly off key lullaby. As soon as he heard his partner's breath even out, he ever-so-gently pulled his hands out of Kageyama's and pulled the covers up a little higher. Couldn't have him getting cold, now.

Hinata looked around for anything that could give him clues as to his significant other' state of mind. In scanning Kageyama's bedroom, his eyes lit upon a red leather journal. I got him this for his birthday, thought Hinata wistfully. He carefully lifted it up off Kageyama's bedside table and cracked it open. He told himself he wasn't being nosy, just being a properly concerned boyfriend doing some detective work. Not snooping.

By the time Kageyama woke up from his nap, Hinata had gone and it was the middle of the night. He looked over to his table to get his journal and was surprised to find a note sitting on top of it. More invested than he'd felt in days, he turned the light on and read it. He at first scoffed at Hinata's nearly illegible handwriting, but took on a more somber attitude once he read the content of the note.

When he finished reading it, he called Hinata, who picked up almost immediately.

"You read the note?" It was more a statement than a question.

"Yes. And I'm a bit pissed."

"...You have a right to be...I'm sorry for snooping...I was just worried about you! I've never seen you get this ba-"

Before he could get the word out a sob choked its way through the microphone.

"I'm so sorry Kageyama!" Hinata nearly yelled.

"Wh- why are you sorry? And why are you crying?" Kageyama was now shifting from slightly pissed to worried.

"B-because you didn't deserve th-this. You're so good and s-so sweet! Tobio it's just n-not fair!" He whined the last word and broke off into a muffled sob.

"Hina- Shouyou please stop crying. I'm supposed to be the sad one, right?" He heard a faint chuckle echo through the line.

"...Im sorry I went through your journal...Just know that you don't have to be guilty about feeling the way you do. It isn't your f-fault." He still hiccuped a bit, but at least his sobs were now no more than sniffles.

"I love you, Shou...forgive me?" Kageyama asked meekly.

"I love you too...just make it up to me. Any time you feel lonely or sad, I don't care about the time. Call me. For you, I don't mind."

Kageyama nodded to himself. "Yes. I think I can do that. I'm gonna try to sleep now, ok?"

"Yea, ok." Kageyama could hear the sad smile in Hinata's voice.

"...I love you, Shouyou."

"I love you, too, Tobio. Remind me in the morning."

"To do what?"

"Kiss your pain away."

**Author's Note:**

> yay I love hurting pairings.  
> I hope you enjoyed the read as much as I enjoyed the write.  
> Let me know if you're confused about anything in the comments.  
> Come yell at me on tumblr (wolfenshire.tumblr.com)  
> And don't judge me for my cheesy and abrupt ending I'm exhausted and restless and in need of a Hinata of my own.


End file.
